


I’mma Care For You

by hyunwoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Implied Rehabilitation, M/M, Mental Health Issues, shortfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 20:19:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12306978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunwoo/pseuds/hyunwoo
Summary: Kihyun has been dating Hyunwoo for six months. He loved how the elder treated him, how he had heart eyes everytime he looked at Kihyun, how Kihyun felt he was Hyunwoo’s whole word. He never had someone that was this sweet, this loyal, this perfect.  And that’s why he couldn’t give all his heart to him.He knew that it was his mind playing games with him, but he couldn’t shake that weird and corrosive feeling off him. He wanted to be worthy of Hyunwoo’s love, he wanted to be perfect for him as the elder was to him. That’s why he was how he was.





	I’mma Care For You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this overnight. I have been planning this fanfic for almost a year, but yesterday I read something and it was the trigger to write this. I really advise that anyone that feels uncomfortable reading about eating disorders to skip this. I know this might be a trigger and I don't want anyone to feel bad about themselves. I have been struggling with E.D for a year and I see myself a lot on Kihyun. I just wrote this to vent my thoughts.

 

 

“Do you want to eat something?” Hyunwoo asked as Kihyun snuggled closer to his body. They were watching movies and like most weekends, Kihyun would spend the night at Hyunwoo’s dorm. Jooheon had left and wouldn’t come back until dawn, so they would monopolize the sofa and the TV.

 

“I’m not really hungry,” Kihyun replied, hiding his face into Hyunwoo’s neck. “I ate with Minhyuk before coming here, but if you’re, you could order something. I’m really lazy and you’re so warm and comfortable…”

 

“Kihyun,”

 

“Hm?” Kihyun looked up at his boyfriend that had a stern look on his face, very different from the big awkward teddy bear he was.

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Starving yourself,” he said and when Kihyun avoided his eyes, Hyunwoo placed his thumb on his chin, bringing Kihyun’s face to its prior position. “I know you haven’t been eating at all, Minhyuk texts me whenever you skip meals, that you lie about eating with me when you didn’t. I know you do the opposite when you’re with me, claiming you ate with him when all you had was a bottle of water.”

 

“What?” Kihyun looks offended, detaching himself from Hyunwoo’s bigger shape. “I’m eating well! It’s just that sometimes I’m in a rush and Minhyuk doesn’t see me eating, he’s always busy with his projects and I don’t want to worry him so I just grab something at the cafeteria before heading to the dorm.”

 

“Kihyun, do not lie to me,” Hyunwoo was dead serious and Kihyun was afraid. He had never seen him like that before. “Why are you doing that?”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Alright,” Hyunwoo turned his face and grabbed his phone that was on the table. “I’m going to order Gomguk with rice and you’re eating with me.”

 

“But I said I had already eaten!”

 

“And I know you’re lying,” Hyunwoo was never this straightforward, never this serious. “Minhyuk texted saying that you refused the Jajangmyeon he brought home saying we were eating together. So we’re eating together.”

 

Kihyun felt uncomfortable during the whole transaction, watching Hyunwoo ordering dinner through the food app and his mind was at full speed thinking of ways he could avoid that meal. _Should he go back to his dorm? Should he fake a stomachache? Should he make up something like a fight so he could go out without Hyunwoo noticing it was because of the food?_

 

 _Oh my God,_ Kihyun thought, feeling a hundred times worse than he already felt. _I’m thinking about faking an argument with my boyfriend, a person that loves me dearly, just to run away from some calories._

 

_Calories. Calories. Calories. Calories._

 

Kihyun felt nauseous just by thinking about indulging on a meal, swallowing down hundreds of calories he certainly didn’t need. He needed to be thin, not more food on his already plump shape. _I can throw up afterwards_. He couldn’t focus on what Hyunwoo was saying since he was focused on counting all the calories he’d have to eat if he had the soup Hyunwoo ordered.

 

“I searched on the Internet what you’re going through. I understand it’s not easy. But you need to accept my help,” Hyunwoo said softly, cupping Kihyun’s face. “I’ve been so stupid and blind to not notice it earlier, baby. I hadn’t taken care of you like I promised myself to. I thought it was just coincidence that you almost never ate with me and that you were getting slimmer. But then… I bumped Minhyuk on the lab and he said you fainted after waking up, and that you’ve been throwing up a lot a couple nights. I asked you about it and you said it was just the flu and I let it pass because I was oblivious. Days after that, you came to spend the night here and we had dinner together. I was so tired from dancing class that I apologized for not giving you the proper attention you needed and just fell asleep. But I remember waking up half an hour later to the sounds of vomiting. I would never imagine this… But a couple things started to click after I’ve started studying you and your habits. There are weeks you’re so exhausted and now I know it’s because you’re fasting… And I know you keep a scale underneath your bed and that you take notes of what you eat and how much you’re weighing on a notebook. It’s really suffocating to me to not know how I can help you. Baby, you’re perfect and this is just your mind playing tricks on you… You’re beautiful.”

 

Kihyun was crying at this point, he never thought people would notice his behavior, much less Hyunwoo. He thought he was doing a great job hiding it, but all his efforts had gone down the drain. He knew that denying everything was out of question, so he kept quiet.

 

“I understand that you want to look better and that you feel insecure on your skin, but I need you to know that you’re beautiful on my eyes. Every little piece of you, every patch of your body, every edge is perfect. I just want you to answer me something Ki, can you be completely honest with me?”

 

“Hyunwoo, I’m no-“ he tried, but his boyfriend shushed him by squeezing his hand and giving him a sad smile.

 

“Please, Ki.”

 

“Ok,” he agreed, keeping his eyes trained on their linked fingers just above his lap.

 

“Do you find yourself fat? Like, do you really see yourself as an overweight person?”

 

“I… It’s not every time. Just… There are some days that I’m okay with my figure but there are days that I hate myself, I hate what I see in the mirror, I feel horrible and like trash. It’s the worst feeling ever... Of not wanting to be in your skin, of not wanting to be yourself. And this thought takes over me and seems like I can’t think about anything else. I feel like I don’t belong in my body like I want suddenly to drop all the weight or change my body with someone else’s beautiful physique and instantly everything will feel better...  There are days that I fast the whole day, swallowing down water to disguise my hunger, and I feel proud of myself at the end of the day. I feel clean having my stomach empty, I feel happy when I can go on a day or two without anything, but then you show up bringing food and I can’t fucking avoid it because you’d find it weird, so I eat it and then I feel bad about myself... I feel weak, you know? Like an alcoholic that can’t resist a drink. And then I start counting the calories, everything I ingested and it gets… It gets overwhelming. Sometimes I cry because I ate, I feel like I did something very bad and I deserve punishment so I just… Starve for a day or two to compensate for indulging. Other days I feel so, so bad that I ate that I… Purge. The feeling of emptiness makes me feel good, I feel light. But I know that losing weight won’t make everything perfect. I want to stop feeling fat but I don’t know what to do instead of starving myself…”

 

“Kihyun darling…” Hyunwoo was still absorbing what Kihyun said, feeling like a terrible boyfriend. How could he not notice it earlier? That destructive feeling was eating his lover alive. He was so stupid. _I’m so stupid for not taking care of him. Stupid._

 

“You’re not stupid,” Kihyun whispered, letting some tears run his cheeks. “I was just better at hiding. I didn’t want anyone to find out. They don’t understand it, they find it’s just… Foolish. They think that I’m being futile, that all it takes is… Eating again. Eating “healthy”, eating less… But in my head, the less I eat, the less I need to eat. If I go on a day without having lunch because I’m in a rush, I think that I should just… Skip dinner too. And I know it’s not their fault, but wherever I see Minhyuk or Hyungwon… I feel jealous because they’re so thin and pretty. How can I compete with Hyungwon? He’s a model in his free time, he looks so good in every picture, so skinny…”

 

“You’re prettier than him, Ki,” Hyunwoo was drawing circles on Kihyun’s palm with his thumb. _God_ , _his hand got so thin, so boney._ “In my eyes, you’re the prettiest human being in the world.”

 

“There are days that I weigh myself 3 or 4 times a day. I’m used to allowing myself 100 to 200 calories a day and if survive the day on 100 calories, I consider it to be a good day. If I overeat, which means more than 200 calories, I made sure to punish myself the next day by not taking the subway or bus anywhere, walking wherever I went and eating more meager portions. I go to bed starving and most nights I can’t sleep because my hunger pains keep me awake… These nights are the ones that I call you saying that I’m insomniac. I shunned every reflection of myself, whether that be through a mirror, window, pane of glass, or the pool. When I see myself I shutter. I feel so ugly that I can’t even stand the sight of myself. And then I ask myself why you’re dating me…” Kihyun allowed himself to cry harder, covering his face with his hands. “You’re so handsome, Hyunwoo, why would you date someone like me? Someone ugly and mentally ill? I’m not worthy of your affection, of your worry.”

 

“Don’t ever say you’re not worthy of me and my love. Kihyun baby, you deserve the world, you deserve everything. But I need you to recognize that you’re going through something unhealthy. I want to help you. Minhyuk and I have been so worried, even Jooheon noticed how thin you’ve got these days. I looked up a therapist… It isn’t that expensive, I can pay for it with some money I have been saving.”

 

“Hyunwoo, I can’t…” Kihyun’s voice was as thin as him, eyes still puffy and red and crying. “You’ve been saving money to buy a car a year before we met. I can’t let you do this.”

 

“Please. I can’t watch you destructing yourself,” the elder pleaded, and Kihyun had never seen Hyunwoo on the verge of tears before. His heart ached in his chest. He felt guilty, he felt awful. Hyunwoo was willing to do so much for him, he was almost crying, he couldn’t let him suffer like that.

 

“The doctor will say that I need to eat more,” Kihyun concluded, without taking his eyes from his lap. “And I’m afraid that if I start eating again I won’t have the self-control to stop. I love food, I love eating and that’s why I’m like this. You know I love cooking, don’t you? I always cook for Minhyuk and Changkyun but I can’t bring myself to taste because I’m sure I’d eat the whole pan… And then I’ll gain everything again.”

 

“Remember when I met you?” Hyunwoo asked, caressing Kihyun’s wet cheekbones. He slid his fingers into his thin hair, carding it softly as a lullaby. “You were already perfect. We’d go out to have ice cream and eat pizza. You cooked for me. I really miss your cooking, you cook so well. But after some time you put in your head that you needed to lose some pounds to look good on those black skinny jeans and I thought it was okay because you said you wanted to only lose 10 pounds. But I know you lost way more than that. I’m sure you lost at least 35 pounds since I met you. You lost 35 pounds in three months, Kihyun. This is not healthy.”

 

“I lost only 30... “ Kihyun said, looking defeated. “I wish I had lost 40 but I couldn’t… Not when I fainted while on the treadmill. I’d feel dizzy and one day I woke up at the nursery with some guy I didn’t know saying that I had blacked out while running. After that, they wouldn’t allow me to run anymore.”

 

“Kihyun…” Hyunwoo was almost crying. _What has been Kihyun thinking? Risking himself like that?_

 

Kihyun hugged his boyfriend, burying his face into the warm skin.

 

“I love you so much, Hyunwoo… I just wanted to be perfect,” Kihyun was crying again, his voice hoarse. “I want to be perfect for you. I’m afraid that you’ll meet someone better and leave me. I don’t want to lose you.”

 

“You can’t lose what’s already yours, angel,” the elder said, pecking his chapped lips. “I love you much more than you can imagine, you know that? And I want to see you well, happy. I can’t let you do this to yourself.”

 

“Can you go with me? To therapy, I mean. I feel safer when you’re around,” the younger whispered against the other's chest, tears wetting Hyunwoo’s white shirt.

 

“Sure, baby. I’mma care for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me at @favshowki


End file.
